Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Lol
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Saturday
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen