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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.