Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My Sentiments Exactly
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”