I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.