Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.