I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
🤣
This is amazing.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
🤣✨#caturday
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
this has to be peak English
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.