[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
You Might Also Like
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”