Merica.
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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.