“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
There are no pants in heaven.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Just say no
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers