7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.