KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.