I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun