9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.