[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I have a black belt in leather
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you