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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.