Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m being attacked 😭
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.