Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy