I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities