Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.