don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.