I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
This anagram machine is out of order.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
same bro
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.