I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You Might Also Like
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier