These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I think they could have phrased this better
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab