WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Jogging
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.