When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Sunday
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries