boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.