Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.