me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Aaaa…CHOO!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
May have had one breakfast too many
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.