Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
my dad has had enough
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.