[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?