PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.