I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
every. time.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Seas the day!!!!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.