Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma