Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!