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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe