Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget