Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Investing in beetcoin
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
This did not end as expected.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*