The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
A bold strategy
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people