Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!