I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*weighs self after shaving