Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[eulogy]
line?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.