Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?