Just got to our Airbnb!
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?