Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
You Might Also Like
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree