At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.