*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?