As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement