Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
You Might Also Like
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.