HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house