They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
March 16
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
the battle rages on
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle